For the Widows and Widowers……ALL the lonely hearts!!

No, I never got that chance to marry him..we were going to get engaged.  There might be some folks out there that would not consider us widows, and that’s true, we’re not. So the difference is one piece of paper that lets you put a ring around your finger….The hurt and feelings of abandonment are the same. I just want to be honest because there is a difference between being married and having a significant other right?…My point of this is to attract people that have gone through this. It has been a lonely road and I need to find some people like me, I think I need to get some “stuff” off my chest lately. The erratic emotions in the beginning were agony. Not saying I still don’t have certain emotions, but they are much “lighter”. Now it just sometimes feels like I was left with a blank soul. How can I say this when I have some much love for people and my family. I don’t know, not sure how to explain it. The lights went out though. They went out a long time ago…put a blanket over a lamp. I’ve always managed to smile, never let anyone know what’s going on. Never wear your heart on your sleeve. Oh how the time has gone by but it seems like forever for someone to come along again. There has been few and far in between but nothing stuck. I wonder if it’s me pushing away, how thick are my walls? Guess only an outsider would know. Please, breathe life into this heart of mine.

Do you still feel HOPELESS, hope is gone..did you throw in the towel again today?  Yea, me too.  Wait, I’ve come so far how can I give up?  I go through these thoughts often, not everyday.. but enough to say HOPE is lost.  Why, why do we keep giving up?  What makes us say no one is ever going to come along again.  It would have happened already right?  Let me tell you that’s what goes on in this head of mine.  It will be 10 years this December.  10 F’in years and look where I’m at.  Yes, I’m healthy, I’m alive, I’m doing something very awesome with my life…..but I always have that feeling I’m missing something.  I’ve had this feeling since the day he left this earth.  He took a part of my soul with him is what I can really say.  The best way to explain it is, when you leave the house and you feel like you forgot something…suddenly you feel incomplete.  Now think, think about the incomplete feeling and leave it there.  Let it sit, ferment and attach itself to your core, to your whole self………and there you have it.

One day changed my life forever.  I thank GOD for my strength and will to live.  You want to know what really sucks?  The people I meet and never get a chance to know him.  I hardly ever bring him up cause people think you’re dwelling on the past…….REALLY?  I’m not allowed to remember that big part of my life.  Well, my friends and family are awesome about it.  In fact, they bring him up in conversation.  That I love.  They knew him so it’s much easier to talk about.  I do get satisfaction when we speak about him.  Guess that’s keeping the spirit alive huh? There is a reoccurring dream about him that I don’t look forward to…I find him and hes been alive. It crushes me all over again! What really hurts me is when I find him roaming the world without me. One time he was even holding hands with another woman. I believe that’s where the abandonment comes into play. I’m so overwhelmed in the dream that I never get a chance to ask him why he left me. Maybe I’ll come to terms with it one day. I can sit here and say “it is what it is” and go on for the rest of my life like this, WONDERING!! It feels like thats all I do lately. The scars will always be here. There will never be that satisfaction of closure.

Of Course I will find song lyrics that go hand in hand with ANYTHING…… K.S.E. I know hope is not lost but damn, I feel so hopeless!!!
This is our moment Will you stand with me? Hope is not lost, love is not lost. Let the strength of your words Be the spark that ignites the flame. Proclaim your freedom Give voice to your liberation
This is my confession Mark these words, we will rise
Weep no more, We will prevail
Grieve no more, We will prevail
Revoke the needless way of affliction Revoke and abandon. We are the offer, sinisters Of our faith, we have a solution
This is my confession Mark these words, we will rise, yeah
Weep no more, We will prevail
This is our moment Will you stand with me? (Stand with me) Hope is not lost, hope is not lost!


1 Comment

  1. daniegirl24 said,

    November 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Boy, the feelings these past few weeks are very strong… Almost overwhelming. Sometimes I don’t know why it’s so strong, but then I think of who I am and how deeply I feel for people. All I want to do is be with someone, fall in love, MAKE LOVE. I can’t keep all this cooped up inside of me, sometimes I cry inside. Right inside my chest. It’s not doing any good sitting here. Why can’t I just unleash this? No inhibitions and we will not stop, just let me let it out please. All over you, I want to express this to you so bad. Let me breathe heavy onto you and get these Fuking aching, longing desires out!!! This passion is driving me nuts……..there are so few things I’ve wanted this much. This is what I get for loving my Solitude. Ahhh, punishing myself again. Nice going!

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