12/17/2012… 10 Years in Heaven my True Love……

1257165876_steve-murano<
cc24

I’ve always wanted to write something about you. Just really say the things that I never got a chance to say. Tell you how you meant the world to me and how lucky I was to have met you. The one thing that sticks out the most is your BELIEF in me. You never let me talk bad about myself and gave me inspiration in life. Inspiration to read books, Inspiration to go back to school. We even talked about taking Martial Arts together. (As you know later on I did it on my own), and here I am going to school once again. THANK YOU BABY!! There were a few times when I got a little down on myself or maybe some doubting going on, but you stood there right in front of me and turned it right around. It’s funny how certain things will never leave my memory. Like when Richard asked me “Hey Dee, what was it that you loved about him” without hesitation and gratitude that I can tell someone this.. I replied “He believed in me”. It was so genuine and something I want to keep with me always. The question, the answer, just the conversation between us. I never got the chance to tell someone that out loud. It felt so good. Richard was a younger man I knew most of my life and somehow we decided to have a short lived relationship. Some years after Ernie passed of course. It took a long time to even look at another man.

Well, I wasn’t always the most vocal person, and it was hard for me to express my feelings….(STILL IS), But I sure showed you. That I know and I’m glad. If you really are floating around…….then you’ll get this. You will know how I’ve always wanted to say these things. For some reason I believe you already know how I feel.

So, you left this earth 10 years ago today and I’ll never forget that day. I remember clearly when Troy told me, my mouth dropped open and never heard such silence. It was a weird silence, I was scared and it got dark. Dark as in this feeling came over me and never went away. You took a part of my soul with you and I felt it leave me. I felt something get sucked right out of me and never return since that dark day. The words Troy told me were incomprehensible. As he cried I went inside to verify this information. I never needed to ask the question, my sister sat on the couch with her face in her hands quietly weeping. Everything about my life just changed. It was true. An unthinkable came true. How could this happen. You told me we were going to take on this world together. You were my protector and would never let anyone near me. Look at the world now. I’m scared baby, I want to run to you! I feel so abandoned. It hurts my chest.

When I look back it’s hard not to smile though about everything that went on. Even our little differences in the beginning. One being our age difference. It wasn’t unheard of but it was noticeable.. and took some adjusting. (I admit, most of it was me loving my solitude and always living a single life). Second being my “party girl” mode. Since I was in my early 20’s, partying was first on my mind. You found that out the hard way. I’ve always wanted to say thank you for hanging in there for me. Thank you for sticking around despite your disappointment and concern whenever I drank myself into the worst hangovers both of us ever saw. Of course I didn’t look at it then the way I look at it now. So sorry for standing you up the night you made us dinner. Five drinks later I showed up. It was only supposed to be one. Till this day the hurt on your face will remain with me, never have I witnessed something like this. I’ve never stood anyone up, how the hell could I do that to YOU??? (I still hate myself for doing that to you). Boy have I grown and transformed since then baby. I know for sure you’re looking down so happy I finally played the whole alcohol thing out. Done, my body said enough and I agreed. Sometimes I wish we could be together now, as I’m all grown up and more of a responsible woman. God things would be so different. Not better, just different. Guess I’ll have to wait until I get into those pearly gates. Then I believe we can do anything and everything. Maybe I can finally marry you my true love!!!!!! I wanted to be your Wife so bad. This ones for you, by Barry Manilow is playing on the T.V. as I write this “for you”…. wherever you are……………. 😉

“I mourn for those who never knew you” by K.S.E

Love Always, your “babydoll”

I’m just comparing the smile on my face when I was in your warm embrace, to the one 10 years later. WOW, NEVER would I have thought it could look like that again. Although I’m capable of hiding most of my feelings, usually a smile tells a thousand stories. What I am trying to get at is…….I cannot believe how far I’ve come. My smile is not so disguised, it’s looking happy again. My insides are smiling again. These kind of things I’m grateful for. Boy, I just wanted to fall off the face of the earth at one point………..but that’s not me. I guess I’ll never know what it means to give up!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: